Is it ok to have a good time when death surrounds you?

We finished filming yesterday on the commercials I am shooting in Cape Town - a long 9 day slog - but I finally pulled us all through some stressful days and my reward is a day off today so I booked to go Horse riding on the beach and then went off to see the penguins but on arrival at the riding stables the owner told me that there were some dolphins stranded on the beach and that they were all dead, I felt very sad to hear this and was pleased when the owner gave my guide the instruction to keep off the beach until we had passed the dead dolphins, I did not want to see them as I knew it would really upset me.

When we got onto the beach I could see lots of vehicles and people at the edge of the water but couldn't see the dolphins so we cantered a bit in the soft sand until we got to the water front and then we were walking through the small waves when my guide pointed out this big black thing up the beach from where we were and he said that was a dead dolphin - I don't know any species of black dolphin but I am not an expert so took him at his word and was sad for the dead dolphin and felt guilty that I was enjoying the wind blowing through my brain and loving my horse riding.  I was sad but happy at the same time - quite an odd feeling.  I sent healing to the dolphin in the hope that it has a speedy reincarnation to something just as beautiful.

We then passed a surfer that the guide knew and he explained they were actually pilot whales and there were 19 of them and only 4 were dead and their was a huge rescue effort going on to try to save the others, which explained all the vehicles and people.  That explained why the black animal I had looked at didn't look like a dolphin.  I was very sad for the 4 dead animals and sent healing to them and to the 15 that were struggling for life.

By the time I got back from my ride I heard they were thinking of putting the 15 whales onto flat bed trucks and taking them round to the harbour where the water is deeper.  I will continue to send healing in the hope these lovely big whales get back to the water and continue their journey.

So while I was so sad about the whales I loved my ride - it has been about 12 to 13 years since I have ridden on a beach - last time was on a scary loony horse called Mulder!  This time I was on an ex racehorse who had the fastest trot I have ever experience - it took me a good half hour to figure out rising trot on him as he was fast and bouncy!  Then when he cantered it was long fast strides but once I got into the swing of it he was lovely.  He was really responsive to the bit so I only had to give him a tiny bit of pressure for him to slow down.

After riding I headed off to the Crystal store which was huge and brilliant, my suitcase is going to be very heavy on the way back home! and after that I headed to the Penguins - African Penguins are so cute and small, I really wasn't expecting them to be so small but they were cute and there were a few babies but they were the size of the mum but just had grey fluffy feathers.  very cute.

Here is Pingu.....

also here is a wee pic of Mr Naughty as he is called at the hotel, he has taken up residence on my terrace while I have been staying at the hotel - funny how the animals find me or I find them.....

and for the arachnophobics that follow my blog look away now....

Here is a spider the size of my hand, apparently it isn't poisonous but if it bites you it lays its eggs under your skin aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.......

Dealing with Sadness

Arthur, my big beautiful sheep died yesterday afternoon.  Now he was 13 years old so really old in sheep life terms so I shouldn't be sad.  I should be joyous for the 13 years he chose to stay with me and I know that he will be reincarnated and he will find me again, I am sure we have been together in a few lives so we will be together again.

I am working away from home just now so its the worst time to hear that you have lost a loved one but I had to wipe away my tears after the phone call, grit my teeth, pull myself together and get on with my work.  Never in a million years will these people see me cry... they are doing a good job of giving me a kicking on the job and I refuse to give into that behaviour so they cannot see my weakness.

Now I think part of my lesson in this life is to give into weakness but it is just not in my personality so I don't think I will ever learn this lesson.  I will keep coming back life after life and will stand firm sticking out my chin and grit my teeth no matter what.

When my animals die I do try to be positive about the life they have had.  My animals have a 5 star life so they have had the best chance at life you could imagine but it doesn't help with the grief.

I had run out of rescue remedy the other day but desperately needed it so I was lucky that my driver went off to get some more which has helped me a lot today.  Rescue Remedy helps with so many issues and it has Star of Bethlehem for shock and grief which is what I needed and still do.

Mark is digging Arthurs grave and making sure he has a good send off - so sad I can't be there but glad he is being buried on my land.  If he had been put to sleep by the vet I would have had to send him off to the vet college and I wouldn't get him back but when I get home I will be able to meditate at Arthurs grave and help to send him on his way to reincarnation.

So how to deal with such sadness - we need to be able to process our feelings and have the time to let the emotions flow through our bodies - I don't feel I have that chance so I am holding it and expect when I get home next week that I will be able to grieve but grief can last a life time and we have to accept that.  

I think I can get over the sadness and the loss and eventually just think of all the good times with Arthur - he was such a character and so so strong even as a lamb he would have us chasing around trying to catch him for worming or shearing and on his first shearing the generator blew up and he bolted and refused to come in for about 6 months... he wasn't sheared that year and had a big fluffy coat the next year!

Rest In Peace my beautiful big Arthur - you were special to me and thank you for sharing this life with me.  Look forward to seeing you in the next.....

suzxxx

Working with difficult people....

Working with difficult directors has become a bit of a speciality for me over the years.  Most of them you wouldn't know but I did work with Terry Gilliam who was incredibly difficult but I did really enjoy working with him which I shouldn't have.  I wouldn't work with him again as he took so much handling over the 5 months I worked with him I had to lie down for a month afterwards.

I am in South Africa working just now and I am working with a director that on the surface comes across as being really nice but becomes really horrible under the lightest of pressure and stress - I am pretty tough and can take a lot of crap but over the last few weeks it has been really stressful and I have had to take so much shite but I do give back and when I have to deal with people who are rude to me I usually give back the same attitude that I am being given.  I wish I could calmly shut my mouth and accept being treated like shit as I do believe in treating people how you expect to be treated yourself so being rude back to this director isn't how I like to be but I have to retaliate some how, don't I?

So how are we supposed to deal with people like this in life.  I wish I could do my grounding exercises and be bigger than the situations and sometimes I can rise above it but sometimes I just can't let people get away with speaking to me or anyone like that.  The crew I work with will tell you many stories of when I have stepped in to defend them from bullying or rude behaviour.  It is just not acceptable.

One production I worked on the Director was a real bully and couldn't even be bothered to remember the crew's names on a 9 week shoot.  He had been treating the crew really badly and I kept telling the producer he needed to do something about it but the producer was weak but a nice jolly chap so he didn't do anything.  After a few weeks of this behaviour I witnessed the Director viciously screaming at the producing and pointing in her face and telling her she was a fuck up and that she had fucked up his film - now this woman had nearly had a nervous breakdown closing finance on the film and she absolutely did not deserve this treatment.  I told the weak producer to get out there and sort the director out but he just went out and watched the director continue to verbally abuse this producer who was crumbling as every second went by so I got off the Dining Bus, apologising to the crew as what I was about to do was going to get me sacked and I went up the the director and told him that he had no right to speak to anyone that way and that he had to back of and if he didn't I would take my crew and head back to glasgow.  He turned to the two producers and asked if they were going to allow me to speak to him like that - they shrugged their shoulders so he turned to me and started pointed his finger in my face so I told him in no uncertain terms to get his finger out of my face I then turned and walked back to the dining bus to a huge round of applause from the crew.  I didn't do it for the applause but someone needed to step up and stop this bully.

I didn't get sacked as the producer was worried the crew would leave the job so I stayed and the director didn't speak to me for the last 4 weeks - not a great way to work but at least I didn't have to speak to him again and he stopped bullying the crew so what i did worked.

I also left a job last year because of a hysterical lunatic treating my crew like shite and ended up in a huge confrontation because I stepped in between the lunatic and my coordinator.  My coordinator is a really hard worker and very sweet and absolutely didn't deserve the treatment she was getting.

I really don't regret my behaviour in these circumstances but I do wish that I didn't react so badly to this behaviour - if I was calmer in the way I deal with this would I make more impact?  I don't know but one thing I know is that I hate confrontation, I hate having to mirror these idiots behaviour but I am the personality I am and as I get older I probably get worse!

So I suppose even though I wish I could deal with these difficult people in a different way, I have got this far in my career and my life because of the way I deal with these people I just wish there was a less confrontation way of doing it.

I have another couple of weeks working with this difficult director and after that I get to work on a lovely film with lovely people, that god for that!!!

suzxxx

Is it possible to have too much upper class....

Is it possible to have too much 5 star treatment?  Its something I think we all probably dream about - being famous and travelling first class, drinking champagne and having everyone running around after your ever need.  I am having that experience just now (except I am not famous!) and after the initial bit of fun and enjoyment of doing something out of the norm its beginning to become annoying.  I have a driver who asks me constantly if he can get me something, then the nice friendly staff in the production office also constantly ask if there is anything they can get me.  Don't get me wrong being looked after is so nice but I could ask for Beluga Caviar and they would bring it to me, that is just stupid!  and of course I would never ask for it.

so I travelled Virgin upper class and the chef would have made me whatever veggie meal i wanted with what he had in his supplies - how many flights have you taken where that happens?!  well for me NEVER! I had a lie down bed and free PJs to change into, but is it not odd to be in my Jammies lying stretched out in between two strange men?!  some women would love this but I found it odd to be trying to sleep in an upperclass cabin full of business men and women all dressed in the same Virgin PJ's then we all queued up in the morning in the one toilet to brush our teeth and wash our faces - that is definitely weird!

I am staying in a hotel which is full of the over privileged and so many of these privileged people have english accents.  We are supposed to be in recession so where do these english people get their money from?!

I move hotels on Wednesday into the city and I can't wait, this hotel is Magnolia - its bland and rich, full of bland rich people.  I wish they would just put me in a cheap apartment but its not the done thing.

yup I don't look like I am struggling that much with my big seat and my champagne glass but look at the big guy that I have to sleep next too.....

whilst doing our recce's and visiting lots of english looking gardens I met lots of dogs but this one stole my heart - I JUST LOVE BORDER COLLIES!!!

and the only bit of the city I have seen so far is from a backpackers roof terrace when we were looking for a roof location.... just suck up that blue sky!!!

I am heading into a stupidly busy week but if I get the chance will blog some more pictures of the city - probably at night as that is the only time I will have off!

suzxxx

Teaching and learning - well may be...

I sat out on my deck today having been away working in london all week on a really stressful job so was sucking up all the beautiful energy from the sun, the trees, the plants and the water.  I had let all the birds out of their big run and the geese came up the driveway and two of them, Primrose and Luce (who are a couple) came through the gap in the fence to the big pond where I was sitting on my sun lounger.  Luce is very inquisitive and likes to be near people, well without much hesitation he popped himself into the pond - this is the very first time he has ever been in it and I have had the birds for nearly 3 years!  he swam across the pond to where I was and then started ducking his head in to the water and splashing around but he then decided to get out but found he couldn't jump high enough to get out - I had been videoing Luce while he was swimming around but when I realised he was struggling to get out I stopped videoing and thought I was going to have to jump in to help him out but before I could do that, Primrose his beautiful partner jumped into the water and swam over to him and then went back to the side of the pond, flapped her wings and launched herself back onto the side.  Luce then followed but he wasn't using his wings so couldn't launch out of the water.

One side of the pond has a smaller side that the other so when Primrose realised that Luce wasn't getting it she jumped into the pond on the other side and he swam under the bridge to be with her and when she could see he was paying  attention she paddled fast to the edge, flapped her wings and launched herself onto the deck.  Luce was watching and paddled fast, flapped his wings but headed to the wrong part of the pond where we have gabbions filled with stones so he got stuck and couldn't lift himself up.  I was watching this and seeing how clever Primrose was and how she was trying to teach her man how to get out of his predicament but he just wasn't paying enough attention.  Now Luce is a beautiful Goose but really not the brightest and here was proof of that!

So for a third time Primrose got into the water made sure Luce was watching and launched herself out of the pond - I had gone to the top of the deck at this point, worried that my presence was disturbing Luce - so straight after Primrose had launched onto the deck Luce took a run at it and managed to launch himself on to the deck - wooo hooo - well done goosy!!

It was amazing to watch how as a couple his lady had to help him several times before he got it but he acts as her protector and keeps her safe from the other male goose so they seem to have the perfect relationship - he is the protector and she is the practical one with common sense.  I thought it was very cute and I am sure we can all relate to it in our own relationships!

Primrose joins Luce in the water to then try to show him the way out...

Primrose gets out to get into the water again on the side that Luce is in to show him again how to get out using his feet and wings.  After his third go he is successful.

After the geese left the pond the fishes came out - of course I had to feed them first!!!